Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I am The Sun and The Moon...Day 1 of NaBloPoMo

"If the SUN and MOON should doubt, they'd immediately go out."--William Blake
*****This morning, the SUN, veiled behind the haze of moisture and clouds made me think it was the MOON instead. I was able to stare directly at the perfect circle in the sky, gray with a white border, which is why I thought the moon was having a late start to its bedtime. If we removed the filter that the earth provides and zoom up close to the sun, minus the reality that we would be burned to cinder, the sun is actually this volatile fire ball of energy--crazy, whipping flames to and fro. Then, my mind, which tries to find symbolism in everything, thought of PEOPLE and how we create filters around ourselves. We filter how the outside world views us, this persona we want people to believe about us. When in reality, we’re like the sun viewed from up close, fiery, crazy, unpredictable.
*****I find this true when I first meet someone. If I have seen them around, I start formulating a judgment about who they might be. They may be intriguing because of their gait, their choice in clothes, the large cup of coffee they drink, the tinkle of their laugh. I may be watching how they interact with their child or spouse. This is the filter or lens I view them and they may be unconsciously casting this net or aura around them, but it’s there. I love being mistaken when I finally get to know someone, or having my initial judgment verified. Most times, I am pleased with what lies beneath and other times, I am repulsed. I know the same is true of those who have met me. I’ve heard many times about myself, “Wow, I never knew you were so funny!” or “You are so on top of things and organized.” *****Anyone who has taken the time to know me might find this true, to an extent. I’m a straight A student when it comes to certain things, but I am flawed in other areas. I have cast an aura around me and this has perhaps misled some and attracted others. *****One particular incident in my past reminds me of how my reputation and the way I was viewed by my girlfriends were in stark contrast to the weakness I shared with them. After a very big break-up with my boyfriend of over five years, I suffered some sort of mental breakdown. To family and friends, I was strong, moving on, kicking butt and taking names. But, for myself, I was shattered. So, sitting in a TGIF’s, noshing on high calorie desserts, I declared my anxiety issues with three great friends, the best at the time. They all became silent and then laughed awkwardly. They thought I was joking, then made jokes about my feelings. I smiled and sucked it up, but a piece of the link between us weakened. For them, they couldn’t accept that I was anything but a tough chick who didn’t take crap from anyone. So, for their sake, I joked with them and promised myself silently not to be so vulnerable with them again. Part of me was flattered that the aura I set forth of being the female Bruce Lee worked, but another part—the one who wears a pink tutu, cried in a field of daisies.
So, nowadays, I’m all things, strong, vulnerable, neurotic, organized, a leader and a follower. And, with the sun shining now, really doing its true thing--I take on writing today, the first day of NaBloPoMo month (National Blog Posting Month). I will focus on entries for the next 30 days, some short and sweet, some long and deep, but I’m predicting, mostly short and deep….I’m a busy wife and mother.
One constant in my life is my writing. I’ve returned to it for solace. Thank you for joining me, the real me. Esta Later!

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