Friday, July 9, 2010
Bruce Lee, Tattoos, Doubt, Lily Pads and Jillian Michaels—Seemingly Random
There’s an image in my head taunting me. It’s me, but as my more realized, perfected self. She’s strong, smart and sexy. She’s lean in every sense of the word and in balance with the world.
I’ve had this goddess version of myself in my head for awhile, but I feel sluggish in the attainment of that goal. I know my vices, my weaknesses, yet I continue to fall into the traps that delay my progress. Self sabotage is my specialty. How long can my fear that no one will recognize me if I lose weight hold true? Who cares if they don’t? Right?
There was a time I was obsessed with BRUCE LEE. My Chinese college professor asked us to write a paper on a “hero.” So, being 21 and totally into my Korean heritage and all things Asian, I wrote about Bruce Lee. I received an A, but the professor laughed as he passed me the paper saying, “How can you, a girl from Guam, love Bruce Lee so much?”
I think that DOUBT is squatting in my soul…planted by my parents (unknowingly), reaffirmed by professors, teachers, sabuhmnims and anyone I looked up to. My Tae Kwon Do Master once held my waist and said, “Too big! I judge Miss Guam Pageant, and you too big. You lose weight and you be faster!” Yeah, like wax on, ass off. I want to take a samurai sword to that doubt. I’ve lived 36 years in its shadow and don’t want to live the rest of my life with my head down. It’s more urgent to me being my year, Year of the Tiger. Yes, I’m into that stuff.
One way my strength is manifesting itself is in the desire, once again to get a TATTOO. My parents hate tattoos. My husband and I have none. I have followed many a girlfriend into tat parlors only to be non-committal. I’m going to sit on this idea for awhile. It’s been eighteen years since I first thought of getting one. Yin Yang…wanted one so bad, just didn’t know where I would put it on my body. Yes, there’s that whole thing about growing old and wondering what it would look like. Too bad they don’t have ink that fades once you hit, let’s say 45-years-old or so. Then, I’d totally get one, but even with that it would have to be somewhere hidden from my old-fashioned Korean mother. Two options of the tiger tattoo I’ve been thinking about, get it on my right flank, from the rib area to my back (yes, it would be large) or on my foot—the slimmest and sexiest part of my body to date. That just means I wear sneakers when I’m around mom.
LILY PADS--represent different goals. I did college, had a teaching career—hopped to love, sat on it long enough that I submerged in the water, then I hopped to the next pad--marriage, barely on there when the motherhood lily pad came floating and now feeling pretty drenched in my homemaker roles, I’m now hopping to a writing career. My point, don’t stay stagnant or you’ll drown. Shameless plug for my upcoming books: Sirena: A Mermaid Legend from Guam (children’s book) and Attitude 13: A Collection of Chamorro Short Stories debut October 2010 (Authorhouse.com).
Currently, I’m fascinated by Jillian Michaels. Soaking what knowledge she has to apply to my life. Wish me lean!