Cut the Red Wire or the Blue Wire!?

"Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor."~Dr. Alexis Carrel

I’m excellent in keeping contracts, my word, a promise to others, but….not so much with myself. I guess it has to do with the fact that I can forgive myself and make the breach “okay” in my brain. I know how to rationalize and feed myself propaganda that it’s okay to not uphold goals for myself. I hold the key to secret clauses that the buyer (myself) didn’t know—the fine, fine, fine print. Escape clauses are detrimental to any real progress. I know this.

My life is a non-stop movie that I can’t set aside or pause. I have to constantly be PRESENT, entertained by my sometimes mundane life. There are no other points of view I can have, just this one lens, my point of view.

Am I whining? Yes and no. I’m just exploring why I fall into the same traps. Maybe I’m afraid of real adventure. Maybe I’m really boring at the core. I like to think of myself a warrior, a goddess, but I think I’m more a wallflower. I call for spotlights, “Here! Here! Look at me!” Then, upon receiving it, I flake, panic, fold into myself.

I guess I’m excited this year because the yearning for more is real, attainable and it’s sitting right in front of me. I just have to brave and confident and wise enough to snatch it up.

So…

I’m going to start small with a manageable goal. Baby steps as the saying goes. Perhaps a goal or two for a day or week that I can hold true. I may have to write it down, but not here….sure, I can blast this goal on the internet to friends and such so if I do fail then the “public” can hold me accountable, but I don’t function that way. Notice, how I’m already putting in place safeguards, detailing the fine print.

I’m just working through some tangled wires, because I want to figure out why the same patterns of behavior keep emerging.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Goal of writing….attained! Off to other goals.

LYRICS for Sia's Breathe Me video...fitting
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

ESTA LATER!